


"We're fucking"

by Dach



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: "You Fruitbat!", 99 percent sassy banter, F/M, Fili/Legolas - Freeform, HOld up, How Do I Tag, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I'll finish uploading this later!, I'm back, Legolas oversexualizes everything, M/M, Oh look, Oneshot, Well - Freeform, a rare pairing, banter turned sexual, because everyone is sassy!, bye!, just read it already, k - Freeform, kiliel - Freeform, sassy banter, sassy!fili, sassy!legolas, that's one way to come out, there's a "Characters react to fandom" tag????!?!?, wha'd I miss?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2016-12-12
Packaged: 2018-09-08 00:37:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8822758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dach/pseuds/Dach
Summary: Legolas shot Kili a glare. Hold on, was Legolas smiling?“Granted, at least he’s better-looking than the blond one, but still-”“Excuse me?” Fili finally broke in, trying to stop himself from breaking into a grin. Legolas looked Fili up and down exaggeratedly.“Prettier than you,” Legolas gave a self-satisfied smile, motioning to himself.“Better than you,” Fili retorted. A chuckle rippled through their audience.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~In which Fili and Legolas come out.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I was inspired: https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/legolas-prettier-than-you





	

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired: https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/legolas-prettier-than-you

  


“Tauriel! He’s a dwarf!” said Legolas. Fili resisted the urge to yank at his sleeve and warn him to tone it down.

“A dwarf which is right here, you idiot!” retaliated Kili, annoyed at the elf prince. Glaring at his brother, Fili had to suppress a sigh. They were in the middle of Lake Town's courtyard! _Uncle_ was watching, for the Valar’s sake! And the elf king too! And the rest of the elves and dwarrows. But that didn’t matter.

Legolas shot Kili a glare. Hold on, was Legolas smiling? “Granted, at least he’s better-looking than the blond one, but still-”

“Ex- _cuse_ me?” Fili finally broke in, trying to stop himself from breaking into a grin. Legolas looked Fili up and down exaggeratedly.

“Prettier than you,” Legolas gave a self-satisfied smile, motioning to himself.

“Better than you,” Fili retorted. A chuckle rippled through their audience.

“You said something, dwarfling?”

“I believe I just did, fruitbat. Perhaps your misshapen ears make it harder for you to hear.”

“My sense of hearing is better than your race’s!”

“Oh please, find someone else to preach that to,” said Fili, ending with a daring smirk. A smile twitched to Legolas’s own face.

“I might. You are clearly not worth my time. You aren’t half as clever as you think.”

“Still makes me cleverer than you!”

“Fatter, too. Do you even train? Or do you live the pampered life of the dwarf prince?”

“Does running out of fucks to give count as cardio? And I couldn’t hear that last part over the sound of me reclaiming the mountain at age eighty.”

“Well, _maybe_ you wouldn’t have had to if your great-something didn’t attract that worm to the mountain in the first place!”

“I wasn’t even alive then! Although, you being as ancient as you are, _maybe_ you could have stopped that worm’s birth in the first place.”

“Well, _maybe_ if you didn’t have to be rescued by us elves at the battle of the five armies!”

“Well, _maybe_ if your dick was thicker than your eyebrows!”

“And you would know that it is, wouldn’t you?”

Multiple observers gasped as Fili grinned. “Aye. I would.”

And with that, he grabbed the front of Legolas’s tunic, pulled him down for a kiss, then turned to Thranduil and Thorin.

“We’re fucking.” He announced, before grabbing the elf prince by the hand and leading him up to the castle.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It was completely silent for a good ten minutes. Kili’s eye was twitching. Thorin and Thranduil had grabbed each other in horror. Tauriel had a single finger raised, her mouth open as if about to lecture. The rest of The Company was staring at where the two princes had disappeared to. The crowd just stared in general. Finally, Kili summed up everyone’s thoughts with a quiet: “Well, fuck.”


End file.
